God hates divorce abuse.

I attended a small Christian high school, and in my senior year, our class of 15 students, received the grim news that it was likely that half of our marriages would end in divorce. I was in a community that believed in the permanence view of marriage, and there was a lot of shame around divorce. What makes for a painful marriage? Why is it that the way we understand scripture often leads to suffering in marriage? A zeal for gender roles, namely one-sided submission, caused grief for me and my voice. God saw us, and had compassion on us. We started to repent out of that mindset. There is help, and there is hope. I will share helpful resources at the end of this article.

A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.

Malachi has often been misused to say that God hates divorce. For those who hold to the permanence view of marriage, “God hates divorce” is sometimes viewed as the eleventh commandment to bind the conscience of the oppressed.  

Sam Powell says,

says, “The point is that there are things in this world that God hates far, far more than divorce. He hates treachery. He hates bagad. It is a violation of his nature, of his faithfulness, of our calling as creatures in his image. He hates all forms of it. He hates oppression. He hates persecution. He hates lying and deceit. He hates the proud, treacherous heart. He hates the entitlement mentality that says “I am; and there is none like me!” God hates the hatred that a man has for his wife, causing him to rail at her, to oppress her, to take a mistress or another wife. He hates the disharmony that wicked men cause in their home.

If you insist on treating your wife like this, set her free. It will be the only decent thing you’ve ever done.

What would be far better, though, is if you took heed to your spirit and quit treating her this way. If you refuse to do that, don’t think that God doesn’t hear the voice of your wife pouring out her tears on the altar. God hears that, and will not allow those tears to go unanswered.

Why isn’t God hearing your prayers? Why doesn’t he accept your sacrifices? Because of how you treat your wife.

If you hate her that much, set her free.”

 

A healthy relationship, even marriage, looks like mutual respect, mutual authority, mutual leadership, mutual submission, and freedom in Christ to be led by the Spirit. For freedom Christ has set us free. You give your spouse the freedom, to say yes or no to the good that they want to do. You also receive that same freedom. Unhealthy relationships are often based on a husband’s one-sided authority or leadership, and on a wife’s one-sided submission. The husband is not going to give an account of his wife so he has no need to lead or to control her. The wife submitting to abuse, or to a controlling husband is not going to fix an unhealthy relationship. If you are willing and able to implement mutuality into your marriage instead, you might enjoy a healthier relationship with your spouse. It’s true, both the husband and the wife are forgiven, holy, and free on account of Christ’s merits. It’s also true, the way we treat one another can either heal or break a relationship. 

Bare Marriage for implementing mutuality.

Marg Mowczko Bible studies on mutuality.

If mutuality is not an option, because one spouse is unwilling, and you have questions about the health of your marriage here are some resources and support for you.

Flying Free

Life-saving Divorce 

From Chelsea’s Husband @holytensionhub on Twitter:

God views marriage extremely highly, & divorce is never to be taken lightly.

However, to say God forbids divorcing an abusive spouse is legalistic and fails to consider larger Scripture context, as well as marriage being a metaphor of Christ & the Church.

Consider the Sabbath: Jesus often upset others by “breaking” the Sabbath. Jesus healed, and even let His disciples pick grain for their hunger.

Why? Jesus explains: “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27)

Jesus is fulfilling the intent of the 4th commandment: “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.” (Exodus 20:8)

The work Jesus did on the Sabbath (feeding hunger, healing) actually made the Sabbath day *more* holy, not less.

In an attempt to “obey the Law” as best as they could, the people of that time had forgotten that the Law was intended for their good, not their oppression.

In doing so, they actually violated the Sabbath by *not* doing loving “work”, such as healing or feeding the hungry.

Likewise, we can see that “marriage was made for us, not us for marriage”.

Insisting that one must stay married in an abusive marriage does not make marriage more holy – on the contrary, it makes it less so!

Hold on, you say – marriage isn’t the same as the Sabbath.

True, but keeping the Sabbath holy is 4th in the list of commandments, while the commandment that relates most to marriage (thou shalt not commit adultery) is 7th.

If the Sabbath is so important, and yet still “meant for us”, surely marriage is also? In fact…

from the very beginning, God meant marriage for our good: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18).

But wait, you say. Marriage isn’t just for our good, it’s a picture of Christ & the Church!

To this I say: Yes! Exactly!

Insisting that one must stay in an abusive marriage doesn’t elevate & glorify Christ through the metaphor of marriage – it tramples on & defaces it!

What kind of witness are we showing? Is an abusive marriage the metaphor we want for Christ & the Church?

Every time Jesus dealt with working on the Sabbath, He freed people:

“Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?” (Luke 13:16)

Even Jesus’ words in Matthew 19 bring freedom, not restriction: “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, & marries another, commits adultery.”

Jesus wasn’t answering the question of “can I divorce my abusive spouse?”

Jesus was answering the question “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matthew 19:3)

His reply was a sharp rebuke of these men for their hard hearts: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.” (Matthew 19:8)

Marriages where hard-hearted men always held the threat of divorce over their wives – these were abusive marriages.

Jesus’ rebuke of their hard hearts was to bring freedom from oppression for these wives, not condemn them to a life of abuse!

Hear Jesus’ words: “If you had known what these words mean, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the innocent.” (Matthew 12:7)

Instead of sacrificing those suffering abuse to the idol of marriage, show mercy.

 

We are to live with one another as far as we are able to, and that might mean changing the way we view one another, and changing to the way we relate to each other to enjoy a healthier mutual relationship. Sometimes one spouse is not able or willing to change and live in peace with the other. If you need a Life-saving Divorce there is a community of support, understanding, and no shame waiting for you. Your sins are forgiven and you are holy on account of Christ, crucified and resurrected. You are forgiven and free.

 

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Helpful Resources: 

1. The Sermon On the Mount and Divorce, Matthew 5:31-32. Pastor Todd Bordow explains that it is not the place of church elders to investigate whether or not it’s okay for a woman in their care to pursue divorce. It is the woman’s decision alone to make. 

2. A Discussion On Marriage, Abuse, and Divorce 

3. Abuse in the Church

4. We Must Help the Oppressed – Even in Marriage 

 

Helpful Resources:

1. Men, Women & Gender Roles (Part 1)

2. Men, Women & Gender Roles (Part 2)

3. Women & Church Leadership

4. Christian Marriage and the New Covenant

5. Myths and Mistakes About Gender Roles Through Church History

These resources lead to a healthier mindset and marriage. I hope you find them edifying. My position on women in the church has changed. I now believe that women are just as free as men to use whatever gifts the Spirit gives them to build up the body of Christ.