If one is a conservative Christian, they probably practice some form of gender legalism. Some call it gender roles. For many of us it’s the air that we breathe. I’m adopting the term gender legalism from Benjamin Cremer. 

 

Benjamin Cremer looks at gender beliefs here.

“With all this talk of “men needing to be men,” just imagine how Jesus would be treated for washing feet, for weeping, for being single, for riding a donkey instead of a horse, for loving his enemies rather than fighting them, and for telling people to put their swords away. 

Growing up in evangelical Christian culture, my masculinity and sexuality were constantly questioned.

I was a very emotionally sensitive little boy. I liked reading and music instead of sports. I loved playing outside in the dirt, and I played war with the other kids, but I hated hunting because I didn’t want to kill anything.

As I grew, my lack of self esteem and my gentleness were seen as weak and unmanly. I constantly heard phrases like, “You’ve got to toughen up,” and “This world is going to eat you alive.” I was called “effeminate,” “girly,” and “a sissy.”

I didn’t date until I was a senior in high school, and I was constantly fighting against rumors from others questioning, “Does he even like girls?”

These rumors followed me into college and even into the ministry. I found myself constantly trying to put on a tougher exterior and be more aggressive than I was ever comfortable with, never truly feeling like I was accepted as a man.

As I stepped into a senior pastor role, the perpetual comments and rumors about my dating life and questions about my leadership abilities as a single pastor became unbearable.

I was always told that Bible characters like King David and Samson were the model of “manhood” and leadership. Movies like Braveheart, The Patriot and anything with Arnold Schwarzenegger added layers of expectations on me, on what I needed to do to be a “man.”

Feeling like I could never fit these molds, and fielding constant rumors and comments, made me question who I was and who I was meant to be.

As I studied scripture along the way, I soon asked myself a pivotal question. Why wasn’t Jesus the model of Biblical manhood I was given? I think it is because Jesus wouldn’t have been considered a “man” according to the standards of masculinity I was being measured by, either.

Imagine how Jesus would be treated in this culture today for washing people’s feet, for weeping, for being single, for riding a donkey instead of a horse, forgiving his enemies rather than fighting them, and for telling people to turn the other cheek and to put their swords away.

Unfortunately, I believe in our culture today, Jesus would also be called “a sissy,” and he would have constantly fielded rumors about his masculinity and sexuality.

This is evident by our habit of imposing our perspectives of manhood onto Jesus to such an extent that we don’t allow him to actually inform and correct where our standards are harmful.

In our culture today, the conversation about gender and sexuality is at the forefront. Yet so much of the conversation focuses on “preserving biblical manhood or womanhood” in a culture that is accused of leaving these “values” behind.

As one who was raised in those evangelical standards and experienced the deep pain it caused me and others, I see a deep lack of self-awareness. Evangelicals tend to blame the culture for “abandoning” something that has been harming so many in the church for generations.

The reality is, evangelicalism does not promote “biblical manhood and womanhood,” it promotes gender legalism.

Whereby if someone, like me, does not fit the mold of Christian masculinity exactly, that man’s identity and personhood is relentlessly questioned and criticized until he either leaves, gets really good at wearing a mask, hastily jumps into a relationship to fit in, or worse.

We have a tremendous opportunity right now to soberly reflect on our standards of gender and sexuality as Christians and to see where we are resorting to the kind of legalism and harm that I and many others have experienced.

If we take this opportunity with faithful intentionality, I believe we will approach the conversation about gender and sexuality in our culture with much less suspicion and arrogance and a lot more humility and grace.

For we would come to realize how our gender legalism has contributed to the broader culture, and we can truly reevaluate what we are trying to “preserve.” “

 

Personally, one of my regrets as a mom is telling my son not to cry. If I could go back I would not say the words “Don’t cry” to him. Our emotions are created in the image of God, and they are part of what make us whole and healthier human beings. When we are reading “God’s Truth” we should bring our emotions with us.

I’m really interested in spending whatever time I have left on this earth, creating a culture where men and women are using their gifts together for the sake of human prosperity. Everyone has their own authority, and we do not practice having authority over each other. Carmen Joy Imes’s book, Being God’s Image has got me excited about the future. What I appreciate about her voice is that she goes after this idea of men and women together in such a positive and edifying light. If we are looking for a way forward, Carmen can help us with that. In my opinion, an all-male elder group cannot create human prosperity. It might be creating male privilege. Men and women together should be leading the church to create the abundant life in Christ. 

Our evangelical culture ties our value to our gender role. Men lead, women follow. Men make decisions, women submit. Men have authority, women give up their authority. Men communicate in a personal and direct manner; women don’t communicate in a personal and direct manner. A man’s orgasm gives life, a woman’s orgasm is labeled by some as being “selfish and small“. None of this communicates that men and women have the same value. 

What Cremer is pointing out is that within “biblical manhood”, not all men have the same value. Within “biblical womanhood” not all women have the same value either. A woman who is married to a pastor or elder might have more value than a woman who is not. Her man gives her more value. She doesn’t really have much value on her own. When my husband became an elder my value went up a notch in the culture of our previous church. There was one gentleman in the church who would call the elder’s and pastor’s wives First Ladies. It made me uncomfortable. Looking back, I understand that who we are married to determines a woman’s value, and an elder’s/pastor’s wife has more respect in the community. Right now, we attend a church where my husband is not an elder, and that gives me some freedom to examine some of these things without being a threat to his value. I consider myself to be at the bottom of the value spectrum. Which means there is nowhere for me to fall to. 

For the time being, I exist as a quasi erased person in the culture of the church. My voice, on its own, does not have value. It’s easy to ignore and to dismiss. What my husband and I have observed is that when he lends his voice to support mine, his voice gives my voice value. Bill calls it, the penis effect. Brian Morris calls it the Divine Right of Men. Brian Morris uses primary sources, and he is doing some really important work on this topic. On her Instagram Stories, Margaret Bronson talks about how we exist in a caste system. I know that if Bill had my writing and edification gift his voice would be valued, welcomed, and maybe even celebrated in the church. Bill knows this too. Bill is curious to see what would happen if he did an experiment by putting his name to my writing to see how differently it would be received by the men and the women in the church community. 

Over the last five years the culture of my church has changed for the better. Both women and men take turns leading the worship team. Both women and men read scripture before the sermon is preached. Both women and men serve on the deacon board. When I heard a woman praying during the service, it did my heart good. I believe that women are just as free as men to use whatever gifts God gives them for the benefit of their neighbor. Let’s continue to examine the gender walls, and maybe consider if we have an internal misogyny.

How do we create a culture where everyone has the same value? If you are interested in maybe repenting of gender bias, within yourself or within your community, then I invite you to read what I’m writing on the topic of Gender Roles. I’m hoping to explore how men and women using their gifts together is better for human flourishing, healthier relationships, and healthier communities.